Affirming Heart Victim Services
Parent Resources
Second & Third Year
Fourth & Fifth Year
Myth #1
Consequences prepare children for the "real word"
Consequence
When we enforce rules through consequences, we diminish trust and encourage children to make decisions out of fear. We don't teach them the why and how, but rather teach them that they need to manipulate us to meet their needs.
​
Truth
The real world can be harsh, but this doesn't mean we need to be. By remaining the safe harbor for our children, we give them internal safety and connection to support their inevitable challenges. They trust us and will come to us with their problems.
Myth #2
Children must respect their elders
Consequence
Enforced respect leads to resentment and rebellion.
​
Truth
Respect is earned over time through communication, trust, consistency, doing what we say we are going to do, and living the values that we teach our children.
Myth #3
As a parent, it's my biggest job to make sure my child reaches their potential
Consequence
The pressure of 'living up to' their perceived potential creates pressure that leads to anxiety and fear of not living up to others expectations. Their gifts become limited to our ambitions.
​
Truth
As we demonstrate that we trust them to find their own potential, children feel more confident in taking risks and developing mastery.
Myth #4
What others think about my parenting (family, friends, community) matters
Consequence
We unconsciously teach our kids to be people pleasers because they witness us shifting our actions and behaviors depending on our audience.
​
Truth
You are your child's parent and protector. Having clear and strong values as a parent makes you immune to the opinion of others, and you get to be the leader who models the values and morals you hold dear.
Myth #5
Children need to be taught to control their emotions
Consequence
Children learn to hide instead of processing their emotions. Instead of learning how to self-regulate and deal with feelings, they learn to push emotions away. where they eventually lead to dysfunction.
​
Truth
Children who know how to acknowledge, process and release their emotions (without causing harm to themselves or others) become mature adults who are capable of having healthy, mature relationships.
Myth #6
Children need to "earn their keep"
Consequence
Children internalize that their value and worthiness are based on what they do...instead of who they are. They learn that support and safety are conditional.
​
Truth
Our children don't owe us anything. They didn't ask to be born. We chose. And so we owe them everything. Fostering a family value of contribution allows children to participate in the home, while not making it a condition of love, support and security.
Myth #7
Parenting is a trait, not a skill
Consequence
The way that we were parenting becomes the unconscious framework for parenting, despite any intentions to parent differently. Children are subject to our shifting moods, inconsistency, and capacity.​
​
Truth
How we do what we do and why we do it will either be left up to repeating intergenerational patterns or consciously choosing how we want to raise our children. Parenting is too important to leave to our conditioned patterns of behavior.
Myth #8
Someday my kids will understand why I was so hard on them and appreciate me for it
Consequence
The long-term health of the relationship is compromised and adult children stay in relationship through obligation, not authentic connection. Self-worth is compromised.​
​
Truth
Children who are raised with unconditional love, empathy and collaboration are far more fulfilled, successful and creative. Their self-worth is intact.
Myth #9
Being a good parent means that my children know how to behave
Consequence
Children learn how to act according to the expectations of others. Their locus of control gets placed in the hands of whoever is externally more "powerful," instead of relying on values, sense of right and wrong and being true to themselves.​
​
Truth
Being a good parent means that you've been the leader and guide who intentionally creates and models the family values you hold dear. It means that your child is individuated from you in a healthy way and prepared to lead a meaningful life.
Myth #10
Children are manipulative by nature
Consequence
We teach our children that it isn't safe to tell us the truth by causing them pain when they do. They become manipulative as means to get their needs met, because their needs aren't valued and/or understood.​
​
Truth
Children have needs. They are resourceful. They best learn how to meet their needs (and ours!) through collaborative problem solving.
Myth #11
Children need to know who's boss
Consequence
We teach children to either become the loudest voice in the room or to capitulate to the loudest voice in the room. They become adults who demand compliance or give in to other who are making demands.​
​
Truth
Children need to know they are loved and supported unconditionally so that they can become collaborative leaders who can make the world a better place.
Myth #12
I was parented "this way" and I am fine
Consequence
We perpetuate intergenerational patterns of emotional (and even physical) abuse.​
​
Truth
Do we want our kids to be 'fine' in spite of our parenting, or feel loved, whole, secure and worthy because of it? Yes, we can survive many things. But imagine what could be done with all the energy our kids don't need to expend on healing from their upbringing, like so many of use have had to.